Whoaaaa, what?

Whoaaaa, What?

By: Blue Rose

Hello there Internet, oh how I've missed you.

For those of you who don't know, I've been in the midst of a move for the past few weeks, and thus have not been able to post for far too long.

But, because I love you all so much, I have snuck on to a remote terminal about 30 minutes before work just to update for our faithful readers out there.

Wanna know something insanely creepy?

The average Myspace user is 31 years old.

That's right, when you were 14 and posting pictures of yourself in a bikini on your Myspace because "it was cute", you know who was looking at it? Greasy 31-year-old men.

Now, before you use this to justify why Facebook has pretty much eaten-up Myspace like Kirstie Alley has pretty much eaten-up...well....everything, the average Facebook user is 38.

Shocking right? It seems increasingly more these days that social networking sites (for the most part) are heavily aimed at the young, teenage audience.

From FarmVille, to MafiaWars, Facebook shoves a proverbial smear of stupid time-killing applications down your throat until you are forced to succumb (unless you have an IQ higher than 60). At first glance it seems like all these bells and whistles would be reason for the majority of subscribers to be teens and young adults, but that just isn't the case.

A few weeks ago I wrote an article entitled "Zombie Networking", about the current state of social networking online. This article put forth a call to the webmasters of the world to create a social networking site for the adults of the business world. And, with LinkedIn nipping at the heels of Facebook (place your bets now), I don't think the stage has ever been more set for a company like Microsoft, Apple, or Google* to thrust some high-budget social networking site onto the scene.

Please bear with us for the next couple of weeks, as I currently don't have internet at my house to be able to post articles. We'll likely be running off a pretty, let's say "Free-flowing" update schedule for the next few weeks.

Reminding you to always find your voice,

-Blue Rose

Reach's note: The best part about this is that in order to maintain that 38 year average, there was at least one greasy 52-year-old for you and every one of your scantily-clad 14-year-old friends.

M-M-M-Mega Post

By: Reach for the Sky

I haven't posted in quite awhile due to end-of-the-year scrambling. For this I apologize. Now that I can no longer rest on that excuse, I feel I must rectify the situation. Here's four game reviews.

Red Dead Redemption is Grand Theft Auto set in the wild west. YOU are John Marston, ex-outlaw who has been torn out of his now idyllic life with his family to track down and kill one of his old outlaw friends, who he presumably met in outlaw kindergarten during outlaw finger-painting. He attempts to confront his friend while he is in the open outside his rivals fortress filled with goons and is hilariously and predictably shot before he gets his revolver out of its holster. The game truly starts after this, with everything you would expect from a western game and more. There are tons of mini-games to distract you from the slow-moving and extremely dull plot. The more action oriented parts of the game tend to get a tad repetitive, but I wouldn't go so far as to say it was padded. One of the things that bothered me was how inappropriately high and mighty the protagonist was. He constantly throws out these faux-wise remark about ethics and morality, whether or not the player decides to actually be a good person. It's entirely possible for Marston to be criticizing a snake-oil salesman one minute and dragging an innocent through a cactus patch with his lasso the next. The multiplayer is very innovative, but public games are so bogged down with griefers I wouldn't bother with it unless you can form a private game with friends. It also makes use of the new Euforia engine, which makes for some realistic looking lasso-related encounters. If you were going to buy a western game I would point to this one instead of Call of Juarez, and I could definitely recommend it to anyone who enjoyed the open world capabilities of Grand Theft Auto 4, although I should warn you Red Dead Redemption doesn't fully embrace random criminal acts the way GTA does. In short, it's fun but doesn't offer much in terms of intellectual stimulation.

Alan Wake is a survival-horror game that borrows from other horror stories the way John Dillinger borrowed from banks. That isn't an exaggeration the game rips core elements of Shutter Island, Birds, Poltergeist, and about half of the works of Stephen King. That's not to say it's a bad game, it just doesn't take itself seriously enough. Quite often the game would demonstrate the capacity to create a chilling atmosphere before thoroughly destroying it. The bulk of the enemy force consist of "taken" who you kill by playing the worlds most violent game of flashlight tag. These would be frightening if their presence wasn't pointed out by a slow-motion camera shift nearly every time they showed up, in fact the few times they did jump out from a closet or a bush without warning I almost always let out an audible yelp. The other foes are possessed furniture and vehicles, evil birds, and occasionally a big black tornado. I felt like the vague antagonist could have definitely used a few more tricks up its sleeve, because as it stands the game was just too repetitive. I applaud the game for having a variety of light based attacks, and the selection of guns was both varied and believable for the setting. The main problem is rather glaring, the game just isn't that scary. Killing evil things becomes little more than a chore about half-way through the game, and there is almost no blood or gore (The game doesn't even have an 18+ rating, which is ridiculous for a horror game). I would rent it and give it a try, as it is a unique experience if anything, but there isn't anything past the average-length campaign and it doesn't warrant a purchase.

Backbreakers is a football game that makes serious use of the aforementioned Euphoria engine. Every tackle is animated and scripted on the fly, making the repetitive pre-scripted tackles of the Madden series a thing of the past. The controls are also quite a departure from any other football game, using a system similar to the Skate series for passes and maneuvering. The game lacks the polish of Madden, but I'm ecstatic that there is now an EA-free alternative to the dominating franchise of football games. The game does have its bugs and problems, and it sometimes doesn't behave as true to actual football as some would like, but for an otherwise mediocre developer's first try, it does a good job. I would recommend it over Madden, as it packs more innovation in one game than the last five iterations of Madden. 

Alpha Protocol is an espionage RPG, or at least it tries to be. A more appropriate title would be something along the lines of "huge disappointment" The story is fairly generic, this terrorist did a bad thing, go investigate him. You paly as a secret agent who is constantly hailed as exemplary despite the fact that he is at first proficient in only one weapon and has relatively few skills. The actual gameplay is very clumsy. Stealth, which you would think they would take the time to perfect since the player is a spy, is completely broken. The shooting mechanics are poorly executed, and god help you if you end up fighting an enemy outside the range of your preferred weapon. The interface is unintuitive, forcing you to open an inventory screen to switch between two weapons. There's the much touted dialogue system, where you select one of three responses by choosing a "type" of response. Instead of the dialogue being written out line by line, the game gives you a one word summary of the options to give the player an idea of what he'll say, although this idea is occasionally incorrect. I fail to see the point of this system, it limits the options to a strict four and often misleads the player, but offers nothing in return except less reading, which is the exact opposite of what gamers need. Can't recommend this game to anyone who dislikes searing rage.

I haven't given up on politics, I promise.

3 Craziest Solutions to Solving The Oil Spill

3 Craziest Solutions to Solving The Oil Spill
By: Blue Rose

Our nation has been struck with a rather...interesting crisis recently.

Unless you've been living under a rock, you probably have heard about the massive oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.

We here at s-words like to offer-up our recommendations so that the government can make the most informed decision, so, without further ado, here are the solutions ¹ we would recommend.



1. A Giant Bag of Hair



Now, if I haven't proven it already, I do know what you're thinking. And, no, this was not our idea. Matter of Trust has created a program where you can donate hair, both animal and human, to be used to soak up oil from oil spills.

If Americans could just embrace generosity, and shave their heads to help save the gulf, we could put this all behind us. (We like to call this our "Natalie Portman/Britney Spears" Solution).

2. Hay



Since there are only 4 farmers left in the United States, we have an over abundance of hay that we might as well just dump in the ocean. Much like hair, hay will stick to the oil, making it easier to collect.

Utilizing this resource would have multiple positive effects. For one, we could finally get rid of that stupid "nail in a hay-stack" saying. It would also decrease allergens.

This makes hay a fairly viable solution, but it pales in comparison to my personal favorite solution....

3. Just Freaking Nuke It



The Russians have come up with an absolutely beautiful way to deal with these kinds of things. They, in the course of their nation's gorgeous streak of destruction, have found an excuse 5 TIMES to implement underwater nukes to clean-up similar oil related problems.

Now, I could spout some scientific mumbo-jumbo about how the nuke only burns-up the oil while leaving the hydrogen based water perfectly fine, but come on. IT'S A NUKE. Definitely the most B.A. way to take care of a problem, and, more than that, a perfect solution to quelling the accusations that O'bama is a "weak" president.

Reminding you to always find your voice,

- Blue Rose.

¹ http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2010/05/24/tech/main6514382.shtml