Halolz

I was talking to one of my subordinates over at The Order of Cynical Gentlemen about the nature of cynicism, and naturally the conversation came around to the subject of the Halo franchise. Apparently, this so called cynic didn't detest the game and what its rampant success implied about the game industry, and in fact seemed to actually have a positive opinion of the games. Obviously I set to correct this, but found I was unable to eloquently state my problems with the series. Now, I certainly wasn't actually doubting my (far superior) ideas, they were simply too complex to easily translate into words. I have since collected my thoughts and will now do my best to relay my correct and unquestionable viewpoint on the matter.

First of all, I don't think the Halo games are bad, only drastically overrated. I will admit to occasionally giving the games some undeserved grief, but only because, like Avatar, everyone else is giving the game a lot of undeserved praise. The game's only real crime was being mediocre and selling like the Cure for Cancer. Halo represents everything that's wrong with the game industry, from demonstrating how a games commercial success is directly proportional to its advertising budget, to making on addon any freeware modder could create in a month (better) and selling it like it was a real game. But to be fair, I'm going to attempt to set all that aside and review the games proper.

Halo: Combat Evolved

I have always found this game quite lacking in the "astounding" department. Aside from its finale, there are few "Wow"-worthy moments in the game. The characters have the personality of a slab of granite. The color pallet looks like it was dropped in the mud during development. In terms of story, the game kept the player at arms length, and it always seems like everyone knows some crucial plot point you don't. As for the gameplay, this game is the definition of repetitive. The weapons aren't very satisfying to fire, and the majority of the game takes place in corridors of various shapes and sizes. I don't have much to say about this game, the only thing that matters now is that it left absolutely no lasting impressions with me and added nothing to gaming as a whole, except maybe an unhealthy focus on multiplayer.

Halo 2: Electric Boogaloo

This game does things better. The environments are more open this time around, as well as a bit less monochrome and samey. One character, the Arbiter, is actually developed, for a couple of minutes at least, after that he's another cardboard cut-out. There are even moments in the game that could be described as "pretty awesome". The story is still fairly impenetrable, but theres at least enough spectacle to keep the game interesting, even though the player is rarely allowed to participate in the cool stuff. However, while it's better than its predecessor and many shooters that came out in the surrounding years, it can't hold a candle to a certain shooter that came out four years earlier.

Halo 3: Shoot Harder

Once again, Bungie corrects some of its own past mistakes. This time the player is allowed to do some epic things themselves, like actually fight the alien's large walking death-machines directly (which is kind of funny, because some other shooter pulled the same trick a year earlier.) The environment could now be described as colorful. The characters are still static and one-dimensional (with the exception of Cortana); The characters who I know as "the girl" and "the black guy" are both killed, which combined generated in me an emotional response equivalent to when I accidentally tear into a piece of paper when removing the perforated edges. Oh, and of all the antagonists, the developers decided that the final boss fight would be against a floating light-bulb. There were some very memorable moments in this game, but all-in-all its still a very safe game that doesn't push the envelope or take any chances. Some call it traditional, I call it a re-tread. Also, whoever comes up with the level names for these people deserves an award.

Halo: Old Dumb Stupid Thing

I have already said just about everything I want to say about this game. The only thing I'd like to add is for everyone moaning about how I never brought up the fact that the cast of Firefly voices the characters, for $60 dollars you can buy four copies of the entire Firefly series and two copies of Serenity.

Halo: Reach (Can't think of anything witty)

I rented this game, and I don't think I can force myself to play it anymore. This is strange, as it is clearly the best game in the series. The characters are actually, you know, characterized. The combat is more satisfying than ever. It is now physically possible to follow the story, which has been elevated to the rank of average. The only problem is that I feel like I've been playing it for years now. Bungie finally made a game I would consider an acceptable addition to my game library, but it's too late. I have become completely burnt out with this series. I don't think I could fire a sling-shot at a Covenant Grunt without vomiting. For all of it's improvements, it's merely good, and that's not enough for me at this point. In the scope of shooters, it's no better than anything Valve has made, and in the scope of gaming in general, it's very mediocre.

That's all I have to say about Halo for now, but there is still more to come! In the near future I intend to compare Halo 2 with Half-Life 2 and see how they hold-up to each other (hint: Half-Life 2 is better on all counts.) Don't forget to leave a constructive and productive comment below!